The 36th Day

Sometimes you have to speed up, slow down, take a curve, top a hill, make a stop, change gears, move in and out of traffic, but sooner or later you have to find neutral. Sometimes you forget what gear you're in, or you shift up instead of down, but you gotta find neutral, roll to a stop, put your boots down on the ground and let your motor idle and figure out your next move.

On September 30th I had some kind of precognition, just minutes before I found out, so it wasn't a surprise, but it still hits like all the cliches, a Mack truck, a ton of bricks, a 2 ton anvil, like Bill Romanowski ... gettin' told your position is being eliminated, a 'euphemism' for laid off, what a chicken shit way to say 'you're fired'.

It's a physical thing, a body check, a kick in the ribs, you're sick, in shock, it's a tectonic plate shift to your ground of being, a huge movement in your center, you're not the same person anymore. Nothing's the same, you experience a whole color wheel of emotions, elation, fear, guilt, anger, shame. People feel sorry, they feel survivor guilt, it coulda been them, maybe they're next, they ask if you're 'ok', can they do something, they wonder if you'll freak out.

You have 90 days to figure out what to do, which is kind of humane treatment, you'll get paid, you're not going to get any real responsibilities, a deadline would be silly, nobody expects you to do much, it doesn't really matter if you show up. Pretty soon nobody knows what to say anymore, but you gotta keep going, it's a wild ride but sooner or later you gotta disengage, you gotta find neutral, roll to a stop, put your boots down on the ground and let your motor idle and figure out your next move.